before today

i guess i should just resign myself to the fact that i have been and will be an occasional blogger. i mean to write more, i just don't get to as much as i should. this just means the juice will be sweet when i finally do get to writing, right?... right?

today is going to be a quickie, but i wanted to write about this amazing thing that just happened to me. i wanted to write because [a] i've been looking forward to this day my whole life and i'm really excited about it, and [b] i wanted to commit it to history, commemorate the date, etc. you ready? [yes, i'm very aware that any readers of this blog will not get the same joy i got from this event, but i'm just trying to make it clear how cool this is for me. here goes.]

in all of my 30+ years on this earth as a PFFD gal, i've never had a PFFD friend. i may have mentioned this in my first post. being friends with another PFFD person, hell, even meeting one, is like being friends with another lottery winner after winning yourself. it just doesn't happen. i always thought it would be so great to have someone like me to talk to so i didn't feel so isolated in my battles with being crippled, someone who would understand what i meant when i say i didn't want to go to a fitting because it swallows up 4 hours of your life while prosthetists tweak a body part for you, someone who would know why i hate it so much when people say "oh you're so brave!". someone who was like me, and not extremely old or extremely young, but someone who is my peer in age, status, and disability. however, in all of my 30+ years on this earth i've never even met one, let alone befriended one.

before today.

i was at lunch with my friend, thea, and we were sitting out back at melt, talking about single motherhood, boys, work, therapy, etc. once we were done, we started to walk to the front when thea ran into her friend, angie. angie was having lunch with her friend christy. we all were introduced, we chatted about being moms and where do you work, and that sort of thing. christy mentioned that she worked at children's hospital, i mentioned that i was sort of raised there, to which she replied, "yeah, me too" and then asked me what i had. i told her i was a PFFD, then she said, "that's totally what i have." i was so overwhelmed that i cried, right there on the spot. angie handed me a tissue. she's a bilateral [both legs] and a class A or B, which means she has most to some of her femurs, but otherwise it's the same thing. we swapped numbers after i got done crying. she's 32. she's a mother. she's a she. we're going to have lunch soon.

another pleasant valley sunday

i really love sunday afternoons. this particular time and day is likely my favorite of all particular times and days in any given week. i tend to feel exceptionally accomplished in whatever i end up doing. this particular one so far has been spent making a late brunch for mike and i, watching mythbusters, then we parted ways for a bit: he's currently at the thrift store... i decided to stay home, make some tea, then tackle the student loan consolidation project. after a few attempts and a few days of waiting for my stupid pin to be reset due to case sensitivity in the spelling of my security question answer, i was finally a success. my application has been submitted! now i guess i wait like 30 days or whatever for them to process/accept me, then i move about a little more freely, financially. this was a goal i had in effort to clean up my own credit as i'm attempting to clean up the BS on there that doesn't belong to me. it feels good to get things done... especially when it involves being under uncle sam's thumb.

moving on... so far, we've had a whole two weeks of letterpress class. it is more fun that i can even tell you, and i'm certain more than ever that this is really what i want to do when i grow up. the forms of letters do more to me than i even know how to explain... i'll spare you the breakdown, as launching into this conversation usually ends with me sounding like an absolute freaking crazy person, it's just something i really dig, and we'll just leave it at that. and paper, oh my god. my love affair with paper has been a lifetime. to combine these two strange fascinations that i have is pure magic and makes me warm inside. and no, that's not just the tea. i cannot wait to see what comes of the next 7-8 weeks from this class. it's brought me new energy, a respite from the typical winter blues i tend towards. taking it with mike is a real joy too; learning something new, especially something you love, and with someone you love is one of the nicest things i've ever gotten to be a part of.

speaking of belonging, last weekend, mike and i decided to join the Y. neither of us are feeling particularly fit/healthy lately, so we're trying to be better about dedicated visits to the Y for working out and making more food at home that is healthier than the food we usually consume out and about. last week, i swam 3 days and worked out once, yesterday. i walked the treadmill for 30 minutes, mostly focusing on correcting my stride rather than picking up speed just yet, then we did some lifting [mike is a great personal trainer, btw.] as a result, i'm sore as hell today. my midsection feels like i've either been up puking all night or i got my ass kicked. i really hope to feel better tomorrow, as tomorrow i'm back at it. this is all part of my learning how to run thing. it's basically in full swing now, and there's no stopping it... unless i have to have leg surgery this year. i'll save that for a later post, however.

now though, i'm going to finish my tea with michael, since he's back from a less than successful trip to the thrift store, and we have some more productive sunday thingies to do.

till later.
<3

then our skin gets thicker, from living out in the snow

so sorry for the delay, again. there's been so much going on, and i've had no time for updates, so here we go with a quickie, in list form, because if you've not noticed, i love making lists:

1. amazing michael surprised me one day, telling me that he discovered the art academy had introduced a wednesday night class in letterpress printing, and that he signed us both up to take it. thrilled would be an understatement to describe how i felt. until recently, they only offered the class on monday nights, which is a bartending night for me, therefore, the wednesday class was perfect. plus i get to take it with my sweetie. we were supposed to start this week, however, due to the white death that pummeled cincinnati with several inches of snow and ice, the class was sadly cancelled. business as usual next week, i hope.

2. we busted out the print gocco today due to aforementioned white death, with graham, and had a blast. we made a few test prints of the recently finished logo that i did for the business, and of course, a few prints of "cheese boy", the creative genius character of my 9-year old boy. as soon as they are dry, i will scan in our masterpieces for the checking out.

3. the same day i found out about the class, michael also dropped big news of a surprise vacation on me. [isn't he awesome?!] he sent me a google map link to my email, which outlined driving directions from cincinnati, to nashville, to atlanta [timed perfectly that i could spend easter with my only sister, who lives there], to savannah, to ashville, then back home. i cannot wait for this trip. i've never been to any of these cities, actually, and with the winter we've had here, i'm more than ready to take a little visit to the south. i'm decidedly packing light - a few changes of clothes, some toiletries, my binoculars for birding, my holga and my canon for memories, and that's about it. this trip is timed so well that we leave one week after our letterpress class ends. spring feels so good to me, and it's just the last day of january. soon.

ok, that's is all. gotta get ready for work and kid transferring.

"...we'll take a cup of kindness yet..."

so unbelievably glad the holidays are over. first post of the new year, and one of my resolutions is to make a little more time to do things like this. another one is to find a new job, since there's really not a great one between the current two that i have: one is cutting hours left and right and the other is threatening a stripper pole install... i think it's officially time to blow the dust off the ol' resume.

yeah, so about these goals i mentioned in my first post...

running: i have to renew my membership to the local rec center, which i plan to do tomorrow before work, so i can get back on the ball and start to learn to run. i also decided that i need to lose 10 pounds. no more, no less. whiskey is making me a little squishy in the belly, and it reminds me of when i was pregnant, and that's never a good thing. you know what i mean if you've been pregnant. in fact, the last time i weighed as much as i do at this moment, i was pregnant. none of this is good. so yeah, mckie, here i come. i'm also vowing to myself to jump rope at least 3x a week, so i'm currently trying to find the best spot in my house to do this. so far, it's looking like my bedroom is the front runner, since it's carpeted. it's easier to jump without the falsie [since i'm a transfemoral sort, the 'why' is explained best here], and carpet will allow me to jump without shoes [shoes are hard to hop in], all while not eff-ing up my only good leg.

debt: the identity theft thing is at a bit of a stop at the moment, mostly due to having a child and amazing boyfriend to buy christmas gifts for and the fact that both jobs were a little light on hours in the month of december. i'd like to find a new job before the spring so i can get back to this and start paying things off liberally. i'm so over it. not being able to replace my car or buy my house is really starting to take its toll on me.

printing: not a letterpress, per se, but amazing michael got me a print gocco [as well as some other fantastic things] for christmas. i can't wait to get this thing crackin'! i have been researching, and people have done some really amazing things with it - i can't wait to try my first piece with the gocco and the letterpress together. i think it'll be stunning. i just got a sweet metal robin's-egg-blue recipe box, so i think for now, the first [no letterpress] project we're going to do might be some recipe cards, as the ones i've seen around are lametown. as soon as they are printed, i will post them for you to see. :)

ok, sleepy time. gotta get up at a decent hour to renew at the mckie, get some coffee, track down one of my bosses to have a come to jesus about the stripper pole and get to work by 3. sweet dreams to you all - i know i'll be nice and cozy next to amazing michael here in about 3 minutes.

happy new year.

hope

the dreaded delayed 2nd post... well, it was muddied with presidential excitement and all, plus i had a hot domestic date with mike tonight, which included trips to varied retailers in an effort to whip our home into shape and mushroom swiss burgers from the local max and erma's. so much for watching the food intake, eh?

tomorrow, i plan to get up when my body lets me, then participating in two things: yoga on cable, [which i've been doing lately for free, in private, in my living room and i love it], and continuing my quest to learn to run by hitting the treadmill again at my gym/rec center. i secretly hate the treadmill, as i feel like other people at the center scowl at me when i'm on it, but one of these days i will be fast enough on it that other people there won't be annoyed with the fact that i'm using it. maybe it's all in my head, but still...

after that, i will eat lunch, pay bills and try to get a full itemization of what remains on my identity theft business as far as debt goes. i am then trying a new approach to this thing. my sister used to work in collections, so she knows how to work the system, as it were, since she's used to talking to people like me. she told me that i could give her permission to speak on my behalf, and we would try to get some of these debts that belong to other people down, so eventually i could just pay them off [yes, even though they aren't mine for the most part] and call it a day. i want to be debt free as soon as possible, so the lower i can get these numbers, the better off i'll be. see, the thing i've found is that when you just pay someone else's debt attached to your social security number, the debt goes away much faster than when you fight it. sad, yes, but also true. god bless america.

mike and i have zero plans for the weekend that don't involve me working, which also sucks. i work nights for the next two nights, and i'm off sunday, but monday i work a double. so much for the weekend. i'm supposedly getting a call soon about a possible job. every day i wait for it. every day it doesn't come. still, i hold on with hope that the call will come, i can quit working nights and have a normal job with a normal schedule and a paycheck that beats starbucks so i can pay things off quicker. oh, and i'd also love to see the men in my life more. mike and i DO have plans, however, to go visit his cousin at the family bindery next week, because as it turns out, they have a bit of letterpress equipment there. fancy that. we're taking the day off next friday and touring the place, and i'm really excited about it.

till then... it's time to sleep. sometimes nights when i don't work are just as tiring as the ones that i do. what's that about?

intro

so i decided to start a blog - about what, i'm not sure, that'll come to me, i suppose. for now, i shall start by introducing myself. i am jill. i am 30, and a disabled, divorced mother of one 9-year old boy named graham and i recently moved in with my boyfriend, mike. i have a lot of interests, but a few pressing goals, and this blog is an effort to keep me motivated to pursue these goals, hopefully with the help of strangers just like you [yes, you... the one reading right now].
these goals are as follows:

1. i want to learn how to run.
as of now, i can't run, as i was born with a rare, non-hereditary defect known medically as proximal focal femoral deficiency [PFFD], known commonly as 'she was born without a femur'. i'm a 'class D', which means that i am completely absent both the acetabulum [hip socket] and femoral head. the femoral shaft is extremely short and only a small part of the lower femur is present, with marked knee abnormality. by abnormality, i mean that my knee and my hip were basically fused together at birth. as stated, it's rare for a girl of my age born in the U.S., as thalidomide was well banned by then, aside from the fact that there were, even in the 60's, only 17 reported cases of thalidomide-based malformities in the U.S. some doctors theorize today that PFFD is caused by an in-utero virus or toxins in the body during pregnancy. no one really knows for sure, as, like i've stated, it's pretty rare. we're all still learning, i guess. at any rate, as you may have gathered, running could be a bit difficult when your knee [now gone, and replaced with a metal plate] and your hip were fused at birth. but i came across another PFFD gal, who oddly enough, is a triathlete, so if she can do it, so can i. i have been a swimmer since childhood, i learned how to ride a bike last summer, so by god, i guess it's time to run. not long ago, mike purchased a pair of excellent running shoes for me to get me started. mike started running a few months ago, and though you don't know him like i do, i will introduce him by saying that he gets *really* into things when he gets into them. so when he took up running to help him get in shape, he got new shoes, he ran several times a week, he read books and magazines about running, he talked about running non-stop, he started a running club and a running blog and... argh! stop! i got fed up, and we got in a fight about it.

i called him insensitive, "how can you go on about this, knowing that it's something i *can't* do? it's not like i can and choose not to, it's that i can't do it!" "why can't you?", he asked. good question. "i think you can. why don't we try this, jill." and here we are. so yeah, i am learning how to run. i've never done it before. hell, my leg doesn't even know how to make the movements, to extend, to bend, but i'm gonna try and try and try. i'm starting slow, hitting the treadmill on a slow pace, teaching my body to push through the 'unnaturalness' of walking by extending my leg past my body, which doesn't happen when i walk right now. simply put, it's hard. if i'm not thinking about it, when i bring the prosthesis up to step forward, it naturally goes right underneath me, not in front of me. this practice, of course, does not a good runner make. eventually, i will pursue a trainer to help, but for now, the only trainer i have is mike and my will. here's to hoping.

2. i want to buy a letterpress and start a business doing letterpressed paper goods.
once upon a time, i was married. i was young, in love, had a family and a house, all was right with the world... that is, until i caught the bastard cheating with one of my girlfriends. lovely. since then, i've been a little down on the idea of marriage, so imagine my surprise when my friends dave and devin asked me to design and print their wedding invitations [oh yeah, i forgot to tell you, i'm a graphic designer]. at first i wanted to vomit. then, once i got over the nausea, i realized that this stupid invitation brought me great joy in creating, AND, it ultimately focused on the one element of design that i've always loved and have obsessed over: type. i'm a type freak. i love type more than one human should. in all its irony, the divorced girl found herself really loving this wedding invitation thing, and has since done several more. the next natural step, then, would be to start a business making these lovely things for people to start their happy ever after - whether that be in marriage, in having babies, in starting a new job or business... with all these joyous opportunities, comes a paper need that i want to fill. letterpresses are expensive. i have bad credit, mostly due to the fact that 3 people in Philadelphia have been using my social security number since i was 12, but it's bad nonetheless. i can't just take out a loan and buy the darned thing, i have to wait. i have to wait for one to be sold locally too, as these things are more expensive to ship than they are to purchase, due to their size/weight. i hate waiting. this is the most notable exercise in patience i've ever had.

3. i want to be debt-free.
go ahead, scoff at this one. yes, i'm aware that we're in a shit economy right now. yes, i'm also aware that when 3 other people aside from you are using your social security number, it could make a mess. and it has. but i'm cleaning it up, bit by bit. i told mike i did not want him to marry my debt, and i'm a girl of my word, so this is a goal too... not to get married again, per se, but to get to a point where we can buy this awesome house we live in, or take out a small business loan, or yes, even get married if we want to, without having $10k of other people's crap attached to me. i also have a really shitty car, a 21-yr. old camry, that i can't replace because of this debt. it needs to be replaced before it dies. this is a priority, since i'm a reverse-commuter [a city-dweller who works in the 'burbs] and Cincinnati is not a town known for it's mass transit, sadly. my work is not a bikable distance, and our busses are laid out so poorly that it would take me nearly 2 hours each way to work and back. a car is necessary in Cincinnati. one that doesn't scare me would be preferred, therefore, i must raise that score to land a car that maybe even has a warranty or something. that'd be nice.

okay, so yeah... those are my current goals. by putting them down on here, i feel like that's sort of holding me accountable in my pursuit of these goals. i'm excited and scared and tired. well, mostly tired because i decided to start this after closing down the karaoke night and now it's wicked late, but you get the idea. i'm going to bed now, cause i just realized just how late it was. tomorrow is a new day. and so it begins...